3 LESSONS & 2 AWESOME SLIDES FROM MY WORST BREAKUP

*This is a post-break up post. Readers discretion is advised.*

It was 7pm on a Friday. I was putting on my Choco slides and getting ready to leave the house when I got the text. 

It took me a moment to realize I’d just been dumped in one of the most insensitive ways imaginable. It’s enough to make me head straight to the freezer for my emergency pint of ice cream. 

2 colossal tubs and 1 shopping spree later, I am now ready to impart my hard-earned wisdom. For anyone who’s ever been dumped in a harsh, cold way, here are 3 lessons to help you get through it. 

LESSON 1: BE MAD. 

As I grab a spoon and head for the couch, I realize this is the perfect time for a Sex and the City binge. 

5 scoops of sadness later and countless heartbreaks on screen, I’m practically fuming. We’ve been dating for months and all I get is a text?! My thing suddenly seems like a 2021 version of the post-it breakup Carrie went through. “I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.” That Jack Berger was a nit-picky man-child, anyway. I guess we both dodged a bullet there. 

Still, it’s hard not to get frustrated. In today’s dating jungle the loss of dignity is not uncommon and the natural response is to be infuriated. 

Which concludes lesson 1: if you’ve ever been dumped in a thoughtless way that made you feel totally un-special, let yourself be mad. You deserve that much. 

LESSON 2: IF YOU MUST LEAVE THE HOUSE, TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR FIRST. 

Looking at the empty tub of chocolate caramel cookie dough, I realize it’s going to take some serious mollycoddling to get over this love blues. 

I put on my choco slides and head for the nearest supermarket. The 15-year-old cashier is looking at me like “jeez, that bad huh?”, which makes the whole scene feel like a Baroness von Sketch Show episode. 

At home I catch a glimpse at myself in the mirror. Oh, the horror! Fuzzy hair and chocolate stains. You get the picture. 

Right now, the only thing that can make me feel a little less like a baby Godzilla is shoe shopping. I go online and look for the brightest, happiest color slides I can find. The mint green and neon pink bazooka slides do the trick. 

Now that I’m relaxed, here’s lesson 2: don’t fuss over your looks, but if you have to go out (say, for more ice cream), be sure to have at least 1 pick-me-up pair of slides at hand. 

LESSON 3: WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK YOURSELF THIS: WHAT WOULD CARRIE DO?

By the end of the evening I start seeing things more clearly. 

I didn’t just fall in love. I flew in it. Cupid’s arrow hit me like a dose of dopamine. Enough to make me hover over cloud nine for the past couple of months. As I’m going through the throes of romantic withdrawal, I realize that I was putting too much hope on this relationship. 

Which brings us to the final and most important lesson, brought to us by the great Miss Bradshawaw: “The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well... that's just fabulous.”